Daddy issues.

Daddy issues:

1. Whenever a female has a f***** up relationship with her father, or absence of a father figure during her childhood, it tends to spill into any adult relationship they embark on, usually to the chagrin of any poor male in her life.

2. A girl wanting to be submissive and adored by a[n] older guy, who will put her above all others. The sex is kinky, and the dominance irresistible to the male. A girl wanting to be naughty but sweet, just for her daddy :P”

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This is the world we live in. The above definitions for the phrase “daddy issues” were taken from Urban Dictionary – the Wikipedia for slang; very often, an immigrant’s best friend, trust me.

Now, the scientific phrase for daddy issues is actually "father complex". Also, fun fact - Freud initially used the phrase in relation to male children, but hey ho, somehow it became the trademark for women who find it difficult to trust men or have unhealthy relationships with men.

Before I go and delve into my own daddy issues - I really, really dislike that phrase - let's take a closer look at the definitions ever so kindly provided by Urban Dictionary.

Numero uno. This definition suggests that any issues arising out of a woman's unhealthy relationship with her father ultimately results in her becoming a burden for the men in her life, i.e. to the "chagrin of any poor male in her life". Seriously? I mean... daddy issues are so severe that they impact ANY adult relationship the woman has, but... it's the poor guy we're feeling sorry for? Ok then.

Numero dos. My favourite trend: take a legitimate issue that millions of women struggle with and sexualise it. Because it's not enough that we sexualise women in general, on a daily basis, in relation to... pretty much everything.

You might say: "But Urban Dictionary is hardly a reliable source; these definitions are not based on facts nor are they meant to be taken seriously." and I agree, entirely; but Urban Dictionary unfortunately tends to reflect popular opinion in our society.

These two examples are no exceptions. In fact they portray exactly what happens to women's issues in general. Instead of understanding how certain issues impact women, the focus is shifted onto how the woman's behaviour as a result of the issue itself impacts "poor" men; either that or the significance of the issue is completely diminished by sexualising it and the woman experiencing it.

These two definitions... they are not extreme views. They represent the type of bs that women face all the time, but let's focus just on "daddy issues" for a minute...

Firstly, the absence of a male role model does not actually have to be a literal, physical absence. I know plenty of women who have struggled with establishing healthy relationships with men and have had their fathers present in their lives - by "present in their lives" I mean the parents are together. Just because a father is present in a girl's life does not automatically mean that the girl is getting everything she needs out of the relationship in order to have a healthy understanding of what she should expect from a male.

Secondly, there is a group of people out there who blame eeeeeverything on daddy issues - can you lot stop already?! The minute a woman raises a valid point in an argument, gets angry for a valid reason at a man or disapproves of his behaviour: "Oh, she has some serious daddy issues." Even if she does: er, no, she is angry and she probably has a good reason for it - just because your head is stuck so far up your own ass that you can't phantom being held responsible for your own actions doesn't mean you actually aren't responsible. So, yeah, it must be tough when someone, especially a woman, isn't willing to turn a blind eye to you being an a-hole and instead of internalising her pain she lets it all out through anger. I'm being sarcastic by the way - it might seem like I'm validating your struggle by saying it's tough to be on the receiving end of that anger, but no... I was just being sarcastic. I'm just making sure that I was 100% clear. *insert smiley face emoji*

Thirdly, daddy issues should not be taken lightly. As someone with a fair share of experience when it comes to the topic, I can assure you there is nothing cool, funny or sexually exciting about being in a toxic relationship with a man. There's nothing cool or funny about wanting to be in a relationship with a man for the sake of having a man in your life because that is the only constant absence in your life; because that is the only void that seems impossible to fill. Also, there is nothing cool or funny about hurting men who genuinely care for you simply because you believe that they will too eventually leave you.

Until I was about 5 years old, I remember having a relationship with my father. I remember spending weekends at his house, playing outside, going on walks through the woods, laughing from the top of my lungs as he pushed the swing, my hair too short to be flying all over the place. It was pure bliss and joy. I remember spending quality time together. Then gradually it all came to an end and we stopped having any sort of relationship.

I remember when people showed any pity towards me because my father was absent, I would immediately respond by saying: "No, I don't feel his absence. My mum is both my mother and my father."

That is the kind of thing a child who doesn't know what it's like to have the love of both parents would say.

It took me years to realise that I was stuck in unhealthy relationships because it was easier than dealing with my insecurities and with feeling abandoned. It took me years to accept that I have "daddy issues". It took some more years, feeling raw pain and a lot of "hitting rock bottom" to overcome those issues and I am certain that there will still be moments when I will feel their impact, albeit fewer than in the past.

We are quick to bring up "daddy issues" and attach that label to a woman but we barely acknowledge the repercussion of these issues. We don't talk about the phases of victimisation, the attention seeking, the complete lack of self-esteem that come with having daddy issues. We don't talk about what it's like to feel lonely while being surrounded by people you form healthy relationships with, such as friends and family, but instead feeling happy and complete when receiving the slightest amount of attention from a man you know it's not good for you.

All of the above phases and implications of "daddy issues" have not only caused me real damage but yes, they have affected all of my relationships - not just with men; they affected my friendships, they affected my relationship with people in positions of authority and all sorts.

So, I am done downplaying the severity of: daddy issues, their repercussions and the implications of dismissing these issues.

Yes, I am angry. No, I don't find the above definitions funny nor can I "make light" of the issue.

You wouldn't either if having daddy issues meant you were unable to judge whether a male's interaction with you is appropriate or not. You wouldn't either if it led to you self harming. You wouldn't either if you were sexually abused and could trace that back to your daddy issues.

You wouldn't find any of it funny. But, if you have found it funny or made light of the issue in the past, you should probably (at least) apologise.

I'm just saying.

Love

Ilinca xo

PS. I want to add a little disclaimer. I understand that the view I'm taking here in relation to daddy issues is in a sense a conventional one, i.e. daddy issues in the context of a heterosexual daughter dealing with the effects of having an unhealthy relationship with her father. I touch a little bit on the impact daddy issues have on other relationships, not just romantic ones, but I also understand that there are many facets that I have not explored. The reason for this being that I can only share my own personal experience; however, I am not at any point proclaiming that my experience is the only valid one. Hopefully, there will be a part two where I can share others' experiences too.