You're missing the point.

"Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." - Martin Luther King Jr.

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We're back with another celebrity inspired post, although the word "inspired" feels inappropriate given the positive vibe that the term usually has.

I don't really know how to approach this, so, like with all difficult situations, I am simply going to dive in.

R Kelly.

You've probably heard about the docu-series, Surviving R Kelly, that has women coming out of the shadow and exposing the disgusting abuse they endured at the hands of this man.

The docu-series, whilst absolutely inspiring because of these women's undeniable courage, broke my soul.

What made it worse...? People.

Due to a tiny trace of naivety which I apparently continue to possess, I expected everyone around me to have the same reaction I did: horror, pure rage, pain and genuine sadness, awe and admiration, anger and then some more anger. Evidently (or I wouldn't be writing this post) I forgot that humans... well, sometimes we suck.

Because I believe in the power of knowledge, I wanted to know what reasons people might have for either dismissing the documentary-series all together, dismissing the credibility of these women or just... being indifferent.

This post is for those people that came out in full force and completely missed the point.

Where were the parents?

Let me start with that particularly common question.

Here's the thing. Unless you were a teenage girl at one point or you are currently in your teens and are a female, it is impossible for you to actually know what it is like to be a teenage girl. If you have a daughter and you've experienced teenage-hood via her, then you have an inkling of what this period in a woman's life entails.

I have come to the conclusion that it is much easier to judge the parents and these girls when you cannot begin to understand what they're going through at that time in their lives. Regardless, that is not an excuse for not trying to understand or educate yourself. I can work with an educated opinion that I just disagree with, but a narrow minded, ignorant approach... Nah.

A teenage girl will do anything to get her way. Trust me. Teenage girls lie like their life depends on it. You don't understand. MI5 agents have nothing on the way a teenage girl will carry out a secret mission that gets her what she wants.

Don't get it twisted. The parents most likely didn't have much of a say to begin with. I am not saying that there weren't deeper rooted issues involving family dynamics that may have over time contributed to these women's vulnerability to R Kelly's abuse, but to simply say "Where were the parents"?" is ridiculous and demeaning, especially if you are not a parent or you've never had a teenage daughter. You don't know what it's like. So, to paraphrase 6lack, why are you telling people how to do some s*** you've never done?!

Why don't they just leave?

You see the thing with cases like these is that... people don't fall in love with the abuser. The women, like many other women and men, fell in love with a fake persona that R Kelly put on.

As the abuse unravels, these women were so in love, scared and psychologically traumatised that "simply leaving" becomes a very difficult decision to make. You have to have been in a similar situation to understand that it isn't as simple as just leaving. As a person though, anyone should know that when it comes to love nothing is black and white. In fact, it's all about grey.

A concept that not many of us are familiar with is that of identity distortion. With the use of manipulation, it is actually possible for a person to transform another human being into someone completely different from who they actually are.

The idea that a person might stay with someone through years and years of torment, abuse and pain seems difficult to grasp. It isn't... if you simply open up your mind and try to understand.

Abusers will bring you up and then slam you to the ground. They will make you feel like you have no one else but them, that no one loves you but them, that you are truly and utterly dependant on... them.

If a person is at a point in their lives where they are not confident in themselves, they are going through a mental or emotional struggle of some sort, then they are vulnerable. Being vulnerable is not a bad thing. It does make it easier to take advantage of someone though.

Having said that, it does not mean that any of these women or girls should be blamed for being vulnerable and what some call "weak" - a term I particularly hate.

We all have moments in life where we hit our lowest points - some at tender ages, some when we are older.

Think of when you hit rock bottom. Imagine a person came around and gave you all the love you thought you didn't deserve, made you smile and made you feel happy when you thought it wasn't possible to feel that way again. You give them your trust. You give them your love. You're ready to do anything for them.

Now, imagine, this person reveals who they really are... and it is the worst thing you could imagine. You don't simply just forget everything this person has said and done so far that has made you fall for them. No. In fact, you remember them as the people you fell in love with because it is hard for the human brain to comprehend that people could be so wicked as to fake an entire personality.

But let me get this straight. You're telling me you'd be the one to blame in that scenario?!

The bottom line is... You're missing the point. You say you don't care. You say you don't want to get caught up in the hype. Yet, you are spending time and energy Talking about it. focusing on the wrong matters.

If you are going to dedicate effort in debating the issue or simply arguing about this whole docu-series, then why not at least focus on the issues that do matter?

The fact that black women and girls are the most discriminated people in our society. Sexism and racism form the perfect monster.

The fact that black girls are sexualised as toddlers and are widely seen as less innocent than their white counterpart.

The fact that women who speak up about sexual abuse and violence are generally met with skepticism.

The fact that as a society we need to address the lack of support for boys who get abused.

The fact that 1 in 20 children in the UK have been sexually abused.

I am not saying you have to watch the docu-series. I accept that it isn't something everyone may even be able to watch.

But tell me this... what good does it do to discredit these women's story or deem the docu-series as useless?

I'll wait.

Love

Ilinca xo