"Get over it."

Oh hi, I guess you finally remembered me, huh?

Nah it's cool. Do your thing, it's whatever.

Oh... You're really going to wear that? I mean, it's not my favourite but okay, I guess it's your choice.

You're meeting her again?! But you just saw her last week. Why do you need to see her again? Clearly I'm not a priority.

You just don't understand that I'm going through a lot right now. You're just never accommodating enough. You always want more and you're never satisfied. I give you more than enough - there are people in my life who don't even get half. All you want to do is complain about what I do or don't do, how I talk to you, why I don't see you blah blah... I don't understand what more you could possibly want.

Why do they need to know about us? What do they know about relationships?! Plus, why would you go telling people our business!? That's between me and you. You just don't care about our privacy. What do you need advice on? It's our relationship, you come to me to solve any problems! You don't need anyone else. Go be in a relationship with your friends. Clearly, it's not me you want!

I don't need to explain myself to you. Who are you to question me? I do whatever I want. Where do you think you're going?! Aaaah, you always walk away! How typical! That's your answer to everything. I guess your parents didn't raise you to know any better. They raised you to be a ...

I'm going to stop right there.

Did that hit a nerve? If it did... I'm sorry - on behalf of the universe for whoever emotionally abused you. I'm here for you.

Quite common and yet somehow ignored, emotional abuse seems to be a constant recurrence in today's relationships. The above are actually tamed examples and in reality, the language often used is way more hurtful. Way more.

I know it's hard to draw the line and ask: well, what is emotional abuse and what are just words spoken in anger in an argument? I do believe that you can have relationships without any emotional abuse whatsoever. You could have instances where in arguments things are said in an angry tone and that does not make it emotional abuse necessarily. One could also unintentionally be emotionally abusive - of course.

If, however, particular behaviours or language are brought to someone's attention as being hurtful... and they continue to do it, That... is intentional and That is emotional abuse. And you need to get out, because trust me... It never gets better. If anything, it only gets worse.

It's never something you notice in the beginning. Your other half is the perfect person - loving, fun, carefree - a perfect match.

Then the switch flips. And it all starts. The constant criticising, the insults, the victimisation, the distortion of reality, the shaming both in private and public, the ridicule, the angry, demeaning tone - the shaming. The shaming.

Those are (I believe) the more obvious forms of emotional abuse. Then you have the subtle ones - the manipulation, the guilt tripping, shifting the blame onto you - it's never their fault - it's always because of You and it's always about Them.

If any of this rings a bell, then I am begging you - put your mental health before anything else!

I know he or she has gone through tough times and traumas of their own. They're really hurting and they're really sorry and they really love you and they didn't really mean it.

But they didn't change either.

And one episode turned into two.

And a 'one off' became a reoccurring incident.

And then it became a daily thing.

And then what...? What's next?

Before you even know it you've stopped talking to your closest friends. People you could not go without seeing daily have not seen you in months. You don't remember the last time you laughed. Listening to music doesn't feel the same anymore. Before you know it, you're stuck in a bubble. Their bubble. Their vicious cycle. Fully dependant on them. Now what?

I need you to read this and say it out loud: It is not my responsibility to fix you. Not if it means breaking myself.

Don't let there be a 'next time'. "I promise that was the last time!" is a line you'll hear so many times it will lose all its meaning.

Stand up tall, assume the Wonder Woman stance and say: Yes... that was the last time - the first and last.

I know it's not easy, because you're in love. Who are you in love with though?

You're in love with this person who wants to control you? Are you in love with the man or woman who has to make you feel bad for them so you show them attention? You're telling me... that you fell in love with a narcissist?

It is important to recognise when the one you love is no longer the one you are in a relationship with. The sooner you accept the fact that the person whom you fell in love with and the person whom you are in relationship with, are NOT one and the same... the better off you are.

I know it's hard and you keep hoping that things will change. In this one instance, I'm not fond of 'hope'. Hope and love in these circumstances can be toxic... blinding. So, please, please, please! Take a step back, open your eyes and get the hell out.

A quick word for the other side

Life is hard. We have all been through our fair share of raw pain, breakdowns and almost unbearable heartache. We all have scars. I will be the first to put my hand up and say that I have used trauma to gain sympathy, love and attention from a partner.

That is not healthy. Not for you, not for your partner. Take the time to heal. No one will be able to do it for you. Be by yourself. Seek help. Whatever it is, take the time to heal first. Or do you really want to be responsible for breaking another human being?

The future

One of the worst things you could do is underestimate the effects of emotional abuse. Physical injuries heal. The PTSD from emotional abuse lingers. I am not under any circumstances suggesting that one is worse than the other or trying to diminish the severity of physical abuse as well as the mental and emotional trauma that comes with it... I am just trying to draw your attention to issues that we do not talk about enough.

How do you even begin to explain why you don't trust anyone, not even yourself? How do you begin to make people understand the anxiety you feel? How do you tell people about the numbing doubt and fear that no one is who they seem to be? How do you begin to explain all the damage when you have no scars to account for it?

Emotional abuse is real. You may not be able to see its traces across someone's body - but you will hear the aftermath if you listen carefully to their spoken and unspoken thoughts.

This brings me to my last point.

Friends, family and emotional support

If you know someone who is going through emotional abuse, no matter what... Stick around. The way that glue sticks to your fingers and drives you mad as you desperately try to peel it off - that is how you need to be when it comes to someone who is being emotionally abused.

There may be times in this process where you drift apart and that's okay, you do have to protect your own self. But, please go back. Put your pride aside and check in with them. Be patient, stay in their lives, be within their reach whichever way, no matter what. You can't force them to make a decision, they have to come to a conclusion on their own. But when they do - they will need you.

Everyone reaches their limit - you can just hope that it is sooner rather than later. All you can really do is just be there when it finally happens... Because that's when the hard part starts: healing.

In the midst of tiny, broken pieces, the struggle to make sense of it all, the trust issues, the hopelessness, the lack of self belief and the shattered self esteem... They will need someone close to their heart. Someone to remind them of who they truly are.

Together you will reach the light at the end of the tunnel though - I promise you that much.

Lots of love

Ilinca xo