This Life. Mere checkpoints.

Now, what would a WhatsApp conversation with 4 strong women consist of? I mean our group conversation vary from having an emotional breakdown to what eye candy we saw enter the room, to who matches the characters in Sex and the City.

Just over a week ago... it was my birthday... (I'mma live my fantasy). Okaaay back to the real world. It hit me, literally! I am a British Asian woman, who is now in her late 20's. Nearing the BIG 3 0. And SINGLE.

In the last week, I have had conversations with my mum, my aunt and my besties 8-). And in those conversations, the one common topic I keep talking about is marriage and what I or we have achieved.

And this is the exact conversation that was sparked with us 4 ladies.

Secretly I have been panicking silently in my head. I'm in my late 20's, and in my fantasy world I would have been married or engaged at least. Let me emphasise on fantasy world. But here I am, single, out of what I thought was a relationship and in two minds on whether I want to go back into the "dating market". And starting all over! It's a scary thought.

That's when one of the girls said to me, to not see marriage as a goal. And it's as if the pieces to a puzzle were coming together. Have we been brought up in a world where we live by check points? I would be lying if it didn't get under my skin the moment my upbringing is being questioned. I have the most amazing parents who have supported me, so I cannot stand a finger being pointed at them. But have they also been surrounded by what may be "social norms".

I follow a fashion, lifestyle and fitness blogger called @Stylebydillan, and he also had put out a post. Pointing out the same. Letting checkpoints dictate how lives are or how similar they are to one and another.

Growing up and till this date, I have always had relatives and individuals from my community question me or my parents.

"What GCSE results did she get"

"What A levels is she doing"

"Is she going to university - what Degree is she doing"

"Where does she work"

"What job does she do"

"How old is she now? Is she looking to settle"

And that morning WhatsApp chat with my friends, outlined exactly that (and I'm saying this being from an asian background). That we have let society dictate how our lives are panned out, based on these checkpoints. According to them I checked the first few, I got my GCSE's, A Levels, I graduated, and in a stable career.

It may be hard to get your head around this, if you haven't been brought up in such surroundings. But this is something I have been surrounded in and I may unintentionally do to my own children in the future. And ohh lol it doesn't just stop there. Oh no...there's questions on marriage, property, children etc. And it's a checkpoint cycle from there.

Again this made me question myself. Are there certain aspects in my culture or upbringing that I need to unlearn. Now don't get me wrong. This is my personal choice. I do want to get married before I'm 30, I would have loved to have my own child before I'm 30 ideally. And that's because I was able to compare the age difference between me and my parents who had me when they were in their late 20's, to my uncle who had children in his 40's. And the difference there is between the bonds and relationships. But again this is my opinion.

Am I feeling pressured to get married? Yes. Do I think that it's fair to compare my life to another individuals? No. Do I feel like mostly females are targeted in this matter? Yes. Do I feel like I am disappointing my parents? Yes. Do I feel like I am disappointing MYSELF? Yes.

I will explain to you why I feel like I'm disappointing my parents. I had addressed in a previous post, that my career choice wasn't exactly mine. I looked up at my elder cousins for advice. And my educational choices were based on what they thought was "better option". And I felt like I had to do what pleased the majority, and thought that it would make my parents proud of me. I was wrong. They would have been proud of me regardless of my career choice. As long as I excelled and became a better person.

The other reason I feel I may be disappointing my parents is marriage. I feel this pressure on me, especially now that there are other girls in my community getting engaged and married. It's like a domino effect - sort of. Community/society questions... Plants seeds into parents head... you at the end with the tumbling dominos. Kapish?

But I am lucky to have been blessed with parents who don't question my career and life choices and trust me. Rather than support the questions the community have, they have stood by me and proudly said that I will get married when the time is right for me. But currently am focused on my career.

Because of these social norms, you do as an individual compare yourself to others around you. In my group of friends, there is one individual who is married with children, one who has a property and well established in her career, another who has just finished her masters, another who is finding her feet in the career that she wants. And we did compare, but only to prove to one another that we all do things at different paces. We all have different aspirations in life, we all have a timescale in our minds, and we all have different hurdles that may slow us down even more from achieving a goal.

I'm going to leave it at this for now. It's tad bit long. EEK! But what I do want you all to take from this is, to not fall into this trap of checkpoints. And don't put any unnecessary pressures on yourself. And that sometimes you will have to take a stand. If you look at your hands, the 4 fingers and thumbs aren't the same. Just like us. We were born to be different. It's in your DNA. Let's be the new generation to make a positive change!

As J Cole says it, "I don't want to be a slave to my thoughts"

Lots of Love.

Pri xo