"Once a cheater always a cheater."

What is the biggest thing a woman or a man could lose from their partner?

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A quick study of admittedly a small pool of people (could hardly call this a study, but hey) revealed a recurring theme: loyalty and trust.

You might be wondering what has got me writing about loyalty and trust on Christmas Day - yes, I wrote this the day before it's meant to be posted, don't judge me.

Well, in a nutshell: The Cardi B/Offset bonanza.

Now, if you're not the kind to keep up with celebrity drama, then welcome, I'm not usually one to do that either. If you have an actual life and don't know anything about the whole situation, I look up to you, honestly. Either way, for you peeps out there, here's what went down.

Offset cheated on Cardi. Cardi (like a boss) said she wants a divorce. Offset proceeded with making grand gestures, such as hijacking her show, in an attempt to get her back. And the last (and my least favourite) development... It seems like they might actually get back together.

Now, usually I genuinely do not care what happens in the celebrity world and honestly feel like we forget to treat these people like... people! I prefer to ignore it and just mind my own business, but for some reason, this thing had me thinking about it for weeks. Yes, I am writing this the day before it's meant to be posted but really it has been brewing for a lil' while.

You see, I'm not here to talk about why men/women cheat, whether she should take him back or if he would cheat again if she gave him a second chance. Oh, no no. That's not what my brain is fixated on.

What I want to know is why we expect women to take back men who have cheated on them but when the tables turn... Oh boy. A woman who cheats is "tainted". No one is about to tell a man who was cheated on to take back the woman who cheated on him.

Why? I mean, the quick and easy answer is: sexism. But, really... why?

The general consensus on social media was that Cardi should take Offset back. He is sorry and it was a mistake and he loves her and he is sorry and how dare she not take him back when he is evidently putting in a lot of effort to earn her forgiveness.

I mean, firstly... he is seeking forgiveness how He wants to. If he was really sorry and really wanted her back then he would do what she Needs him to do. This is all for him, not her. But let's not get me started on that issue.

The reality is that even when we remove the celebrity element, we are more likely to encourage women to take back men who have cheated but are very quick to tell men to move on and that "there are plenty of fish in the sea" when the reverse happens.

The interesting part is that the guys who I spoke to about this, weren't even in denial about it! There was no denying that they would tell their boys to leave the woman, but would encourage a girl mate to take her man back. It all seemed to boil down to: women are more forgiving whereas men have a huge ego.

I'm sorry... what now? We're just going with that bs, huh?

That's now how I see it. The discrepancy in attitude towards women who cheat and men who cheat says to me that we believe men are entitled to do whatever they wish without ever really being held accountable. Whereas women should be forgiving?! Forgiveness - that's associated with empathy. That's associated with emotion. Emotions are associated with women. And that relates to...

Control.

If you're a good guy and you cheat, your woman should take you back. That is saying: one action does not define who I am as a man, I made a mistake. You, as a woman, should forgive me because in general, I treat you right.

If a woman cheats though... Everything - and I mean, everything - else she has done right up until that point goes out the window. It's as if it never happened. This one event is not seen as a mistake, but rather a true picture of who she really is.

We give men the control, the power to make the ultimate decision whether directly or indirectly in both scenarios.

It just boggles my mind. How do we paint one as the repenting, really deserves a second chance person, but vilify the opposite sex? Let me say this again.

Everything is questioned when a woman cheats. It isn't just about her personal, private (cough cough) relationship anymore. Her intellect is questioned, her professionalism and work are criticised, her friendships are judged, the clothes she wears and the way she acts are suddenly things that should have been obvious hints that she is a cheater - every aspect of a woman's life is analysed, dissected and judged.

Why...? Let's go back to the beginning. Evidently, as women and men, we both understand and appreciate values such as loyalty and trust. Or at least we say we do; those values are only truly appreciated when they are not acted against but again... this isn't about why people cheat. This is about acknowledging the common ground, i.e. importance of loyalty and trust, and finding a solution to the problem: the difference in attitudes towards men and women who betray their partners' trust and loyalty.

So, should men be more forgiving or should women be prouder?

As women, we almost expect men to cheat and that translates into leniency and acceptance when men do. "He's a man. It's what they do." We've helped normalise men cheating and in the process we forgot about us, ladies!

Do I think people who cheat should get second chances? Maybe. I know I did. It didn't really make a difference, but that's because when people cheat (and I think particularly women) there usually are deeper issues in the relationship. At the same time, I know people who got a second chance and really turned their relationship around.

So, a more forgiving approach might work. But, here's the thing...

I don't think that women would be so forgiving if we didn't constantly shove it down our throats that we should forgive. Women are not naturally forgiving and men are not naturally extremely proud. These behaviours are taught. They're like a code... A code with major errors in it. What do you do in that situation? You meticulously go through the code, find the error and you rewrite it.

In an ideal world, I would be able to tell men to check their unconscious bias and they would just do it. But this world is far, far, far... FAR from ideal.

So, ladies, let's take back control, shall we? Call 'em out. Whenever you see a woman get trashed because she cheated or a man pitied for doing the exact same thing, call people out. I have to warn you that you'll suddenly stop being popular, but it's either speak up or stay quiet... Like you're supposed to.

In all honesty... You will feel like an outsider. You'll be labelled as the girl who can't have banter and who ruins all the fun, but it's all worth it and I'm going to tell you why. It is for the same reason I do all of this.

Children and the future.

When it all gets too much, when I've had enough of misogyny and I am ready to give the hell up, I ask myself why do you all of this? Of course, I do it because I am tired of all the bs I have to put up with and I want to enjoy a world where I am not treated differently simply because I was born with a vagina. But if that was the sole reason I'm not sure I would have carried on.

You have to believe in change for the future to want to continuously fight against unfair attitudes and perceptions. As women, every liberty, or should I say sign of equality, that we enjoy today is because of women who have fought and sacrificed for it.

So, you're telling me that being labelled as the "opinionated girl" is too much of a sacrifice?

My hope is that today's little girls will as young women have to deal with less judgement from the world than I currently have to; that little boys will grow up to be men who don't assume that women are emotional creatures who must be controlled.

The attitude to men and women cheating is hardly one of the biggest issues we have as a society as far as sexism is concerned... but, it is still an issue. It still needs to be addressed.

We need to stop expecting women to roll over and take "their man" back because that is what "good women" do. And guys... this one's for you.

You need to realise that you will lose your woman if you cheat on her. You're probably reading this and thinking "She won't leave me". She might not, but that doesn't mean you haven't lost her. Both women and men value loyalty and trust, right? We both think they are the biggest things we can lose from our partner, right?

Okay, so don't act shocked when you lose your woman's trust and loyalty because you only truly realised the importance of those values after you cheated.

Ladies, we are no angels and I'm a prime example of that. We need to own our mistakes too. Do not however let the world make you feel like everything you've ever done amounts to nothing because of one act. Do not let people question your achievements. Do not let people trash you. We are flawed human beings - not the epitome of purity and righteousness.

Fellas, I'd say the same words of empowerment to you too, but fortunately for you, I don't have to. So, every time I draw the spotlight on something that affects men and women differently, it is not to take a dig at you. It is simply to expose inequality, that's all.

If it offends you, then... Maybe you need to check yourself.

On that note, baes... Enjoy the rest of the holidays and we'll see you in the New Year!

Love

Ilinca xo