Dear future daughter
- Ilinca
- Nov 6, 2018
- 6 min read
I hope that when you feel like you are all alone in a cold and cruel world, my words will help heal your soul.
Dear future daughter,
Despite my best efforts, many of these lessons you will learn through life's best teaching approach: kicking you in the butt - repeatedly. I'm going to write you this letter anyway in hope that it will at least serve as a guide... Your little mantra, even.
As much as I hate it, there will be times when you will feel unworthy - quite often, at the expense of others. I hope that you won't have to cry it out in the mirror like your mother did, but if you do... Don't hold back, just let it out. When you're done, I want you to remember that worthiness is a trait you were born with. It is the very essence of your existence. You are intelligent and beautiful regardless of what the world might say. Don't ever let it make you feel like you are not enough or too much.
Cry it out, dance it out - do whatever you have to do to get over the feeling of unworthiness but in the end... Always remember your self worth.
Self worth - a thing so fragile yet so powerful, it will impact your life every step of the way. No matter how hard I try, I cannot protect you from heartbreak at the hands of a man or a woman and to be frank... I'm not sure I even want to. Some lessons you have to learn the hard way. But I will say this. Never give 'your all' to a person who fails to see what 'your all' is worth. Never let them mistreat you and use you because they foolishly fail to acknowledge your value. Your value is not defined by people's opinions of you, their actions or intentions towards you. YOUR value is something YOU determine. You are not a trophy, you are not a reward, you are not someone's treasure. Therefore, you do not need anyone to place you on a pedestal for you to feel worthy.
You do not need a man or a woman to make you feel complete. You are not missing anything! You already are everything and then some! You are all you need. Why? Because you get to love yourself before anyone else does (well, except for us!) and that love for yourself... that love for who you truly are - that is the standard which the rest have to meet when they offer you their version of love. Raise the bar High, baby girl! You hold on to your value for dear life and you never let anyone strip that away from you.
So, stay true to your spirit and never try to suppress it. If your inner voice tells you that you are different and society yells at you that you should conform... in all circumstances, you need to listen to your voice. Every single time.
Do not silence it, do not even let it become but a mere hum.
Let it roar through the nonsense, let it roar through the hate, let it roar and echo through the emptiness. Scream.
Scream at people if you have to but don't ever let them tell you who you should be.
I don't know what restrictions society will impose on women when you are around and as much as I want to believe in a utopia where you won't have to deal with any inequality, my realism - or perhaps my cynicism - is kicking in hard. That is why I need you to know that it is okay to be You.
It is okay to not want to be a mother. It is okay to want to be nothing but a mother. One does not make you a failure as a woman and the other does not make you a failure as a feminist. Same with marriage. You do not have to aspire towards it and wanting it does not detract from your independence. You do not have to sacrifice who you are in return for someone's love. Do not be afraid to stand your ground. If your chosen one loves you, he or she will understand, because... Being with you will be enough.
You get to choose what sets you free. You get to define yourself. From the smallest to the biggest of decisions. I mean it! You want to play with cars? Fine. You want to dedicate your life to your career? Cool. You want to be vegan? It'll take some adjusting on my part, but okaaay!
I cannot say this enough times: you decide your path for yourself - independent of others opinions, including my own and your father's. I know you might be scared that your decisions will hurt us and you're right, they might do. But we love you. More than anyone else in this world ever will. So, we will always come around and accept you. You just take your time, educate and empower yourself and we'll stand by your choices.
Embrace your sexuality. Now, I'm not sure at what age you'll read this so if you're too young - and you'll know that you are if the word "sexuality" made your heart drop - skip this paragraph please.
Double standards will probably become a part of your life and sexuality is one aspect where they will smack you straight in the face. Do not feel ashamed to accept that you, like any man, are a sexual being. Anyone who makes you feel like you are worth less Because of that... does NOT deserve to be a part of your life. They do not deserve to be in your presence, so don't let them change you. Let them go.
Most importantly, you set the pace. If it doesn't feel right, you don't have to do it.
The reason why I am annoyingly repeating the fact that you need to be comfortable with who you are is because there are Enough exterior factors that at any given time may have a negative impact on you. So, I need you to be aware. That's all.
Social media (in whatever shape or form you get to experience it) is not an entirely true depiction of people's lives. People will show their vulnerability on social media but more often than not... you will see snapshots of perfection that I guarantee you does not exist to the extent that is being portrayed. Don't let it bring you down by comparing yourself to anything other than different/past versions of yourself - and even then, it better be to acknowledge how far you've come! I mean... social media can be great. Technology has its immeasurable benefits. The internet brings infinite opportunities with it. But so does the world OUTSIDE.
So, go... GO outside! Enjoy the sun, the wind, the rain. Run, walk, skip! Travel this beautiful world because nothing... I mean nothing compares to those experiences. Not one single place will be the same as the next one you visit. Travel. Meet new people - some similar to you, others different from you. This brings me to my next point...
Do not ever judge others based on negative stereotypes created by society about their culture, religion, skin colour, language, sexuality or gender. Get to know them as individuals. Let them challenge your views and your beliefs. Embrace those who are different and encourage others to do the same. Empathise and unite. Don't divide. There is strength in numbers, I'll tell you that much. Don't be mad at me for stating what might seem like the obvious... I am only putting it out here because accepting people is not enough. Speaking up against injustice is not enough. You have to do your part. Act. Even when the issue does not impact you directly. Actually, ESPECIALLY then. You should do it out of selflessness, but there is the added advantage that fighting for others... will help you become the best version of yourself.
Remember, you don't have to do it all alone. Just as a good friend of mine once said: keep your tribe close. Trust me, coping with some of the lessons life throws at you will take a whole village. So, keep your tribe of fellow women close by. You will never regret that decision because they will be there - through thick and thin. Through the break ups and the make ups. The tears and the laughter. They will pick you up off the floor and cheer you on when you're sky high. Never underestimate the value of your tribe. Keep. Them. Close.
Last and MOST definitely not least... Be a proud feminist.
With unconditional love,
Your momma
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