We need to talk about labels and relationships.

I can hear them eyes roll. Here we go again. Yet another woman ranting about relationships. Sorry not sorry that my emotional intelligence is on point.

Let me get straight to the point. I have a problem with labels - particularly when labels are used in a restrictive manner. 

No, I don’t think that labels are all bad and I particularly admire those who have taken labels that were aimed at destroying them and turned them into a tool to empower themselves and others. Having said that, labels are still predominantly used to distract from the multidimensional nature of a thing or a person. 

Let's take relationships for example. (Not that I'm an expert, by the way.)

In the current climate of relationships, labels have monopoly over substance. Easily! You could have two people who for YEARS are practically in a relationship but low and behold, one day someone messes up and you hear their excuse: “We weren’t even in a relationship!”

clears throat. 

If it looks, tastes and feels like a relationship... uhh... It's a relationship, ok?! I could not care less about whether you call the person your girlfriend or boyfriend or not. If you’ve spent a considerable amount of time acting like and making them feel like they are your other half, you do not get to use a label to justify your shortcomings. Own your mistake. Now that's rare.

To "help" matters, this phenomena surrounding labels has been perpetuated by society’s imposed expectations of what men and women should want. 

As a woman, you must desperately want to be in a relationship. Women are “relationship” people. Meanwhile, as a man... you get fed the BS that having flings with multiple women simultaneously is goals. 

As a result, you have A LOT of women who feel guilty and who are slut shamed for just wanting to have some fun. Fun that apparently makes a woman a slut, but crowns a man as the player who all fellow males look up to. 

You also have A LOT of men who want nothing more than to be in a relationship, but I mean… what would their boys say if they found out?! I mean it’s no surprise; throughout their entire childhood, boys get taught to suppress their emotions or risk being seen as weak, it’s no shock this trend continues into adulthood. 

I once had someone who played a significant part in my life tell me that their respect for me went “from here… to there” (with the hand movement where you drop your hand from head level to feet level - you know the kind) just because I chose to have flings. 

Yet, a couple of days earlier (and ironically at the same location) I had witnessed how a male friend was hailed as the king for sleeping with multiple women - which, FYI is absolute fine, for both men and women. The key I believe is an honest and transparent approach towards the other person but also towards yourself. 

These imposed expectations can make or break your relationships with others and yourself. So, I'll say it loud and clear. 

1. As a man, don’t just have meaningless sex because that is what is expected of you. Do what makes you happy. If monogamy is it, no shame in admitting it. If you're not convinced, watch Will Smith do it like a BOSS!

2. As a woman, if being with a different man every other day, week, month, WHATEVER, is what keeps you happy… then do what makes you happy. 

Now. How many people do you think had difficulty swallowing that second statement but were willing to accept the first one?

sniffs. Damn, who let a double standard rip?!

The really cute ones are the guys whose body counts exceed the total number of Premier League players but who won’t get in a relationship with a woman who’s had “that kind of lifestyle”. Yeah, I’m calling you out. Stop being sexist. And a hypocrite for that matter. 

Time for a dreaded disclaimer: I’m not saying that having casual relationships is the key to longterm happiness. I believe that yes, in time, it stops being fun and the emptiness creeps in. But as a person you get to have that fun if you want to and if it temporarily (or not) makes you happy. Whether you are a man or a woman, you should have that choice. Do I want to be in a serious relationship or do I sometimes want to just have some fun?  It's having the choice, people!

Hold on, I'm not done, because then there’s the thing about being the “relationship kind” or the “single kind”. I know - it's hard to keep up.

The relationship type is often seen as the person who is good at being in a relationship and cannot survive alone, whilst the “single type” is strong and independent and therefore, the thought of being in a relationship has the same effect on them as drinking a whole bottle of tequila would.

As someone who has had long term relationships, has been truly happy whilst in those relationships and is also strong headed and independent... I can assure you that the above labels are bull manure. The two are not mutually exclusive. I love being single and alone just as much as I love being in a relationship. Yes, sometimes I prefer one over the other, but at what point did we decide that I have to stick to ONE throughout my entire life? Here's a crazy thought. 

Being single does not mean I am lonely, just like being in a relationship does not mean I am loved.

In fact, even when I am IN a relationship, I need space. I need time to myself. I need to nurture my independence and my individuality outside the realms of that relationship. That does not mean that I am not a “relationship person”. I am. Very much so. When I am in love with someone, I give them my all. It is for this particular reason that I need space and time - so I don’t lose who I am. That does not mean you can’t be strong headed, independent, a boss lady but also be truly, madly, deeply in love. These concepts do not cancel each other out. I Can -and if you ask me, should- want to be alone even when I am in a relationship.

So, what are the lessons I hope you take away from this rant?

The label “in a relationship” is not what brings and keeps people together. The fact that you've labelled it a relationship does not mean you are in a relationship. Love, commitment, respect for each other, communication - that is what defines a relationship. 

Secondly, stop using labels and expectations as the dynamic duo to tell women and men what relationships they should and should not have, should or should not desire. And if I catch you enforcing double standards when it comes to women embracing their sexuality, I'm buying you a mirror for your birthday and breaking it when you’re staring into it. Enjoy your 7 years of bad luck, mofo!

Last and most definitely not least, stop trying to fit under a label. As a person, you are way too complex (hopefully) to ALWAYS want the same thing. You are allowed to change. Embrace it, learn something new about yourself and grow. 

Until next time.

Ilinca xo